


What We Do in the Swarm

by MKwitch



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow, What We Do in the Shadows (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Comedy, Gen, What We Do In The Shadows AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25155301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MKwitch/pseuds/MKwitch
Summary: In this exclusive tell-all interview, we will reveal what life is really like for the Undead Creatures of the Night! Meet the Undersiders coven of Vampires: Skitter, Tattletale, Grue, Regent, and Bitch.Click here to find out what Vampires do in their spare time!!!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	What We Do in the Swarm

**Skitter's Interview**

A seemingly-young woman with curly dark hair, yellow eyes, wearing jeans and a grey hoodie stands before me. She is taller than most teenagers, and is almost painfully skinny. But her real defining feature is the black widow spider on her shoulder. 

This is Skitter, one of the five Vampires that we are interviewing. In this exclusive tell-all, we will reveal what life is really like for the Undead Creatures of the Night! Unfortunately, since Vampires don’t show up on camera, there are no accompanying photos or videos. Regardless, this will be an educational experience I’m sure. 

**Skitter** : I control bugs, basically. I can see and hear through them, though not very well, and they obey my every command. Like, see this spider here? Watch her dance! 

The spider then proceeded to perform an intricate, almost ballet-like dance. 

**Regent** : To tell the truth, she does that dancing spider trick to nearly everyone who comes through our door. Last week, she made the local mailman faint! And he was the only one in months to make it past Bitch’s hellhounds, too...

**Skitter** : I’m the most recently turned one in the house. I was actually turned by Tattletale, who took pity on me when I was nearly bullied into suicide. Don’t worry, Vampires can’t have depression, it’s not compatible with our brain chemistry, so I’m much better now! 

She gave a fanged grin, sending shivers cascading down my spine. Her teeth are curved, like an insect’s mandibles. Creepy, but well in-theme. 

** Tattletale's Interview **

**Tattletale** : The first thing I thought when Coil turned me and introduced me to these idiots was, ‘Wow! They sure could use a leader!’. And here I am, so you know how that worked out. 

Tattletale is a blonde teen in a purple catsuit. Not like, a literal suit made to look like a cat, but a skintight spandex outfit that is often referred to as a catsuit. 

**Tattletale** : I am psychic, so I know if anyone around here is keeping secrets. It’s both a blessing and a curse, really. On the one hand, I know my coven’s deepest, darkest fears, and can use them to keep them all in line. But on the other hand, I also can tell how many times Regent jerks off in a day. So, it’s a mixed lot. 

**Regent** : Keeping Tattletale awake during the day by being irritating is one of my hobbies! Since I’m an energy vampire, I feed off of people’s annoyance and anger, so making Tattletale mad at me is, well, it’s my daily cup of coffee, so to speak! 

**Tattletale** : So, one day I was walking down the Boardwalk, as one does, when I am accosted by a few burly men. They shove a bag over my head, and drive me out to see their boss. When I can finally remove the bag, I take it off, and this huge, winged beast appears in my vision, screaming, ‘Now! You are a Vampire!”. And that was Coil. He’s still my boss today. I despise that guy! 

**Grue's Interview**

Grue is a fit black man in motorcycle leathers. He trails a dark mist behind him like a cloak. He glides across the floor ethereally, his footsteps masked by the silent fog. 

**Grue** : Look, the last thing I want is to give the Undersiders coven more attention. But if Tattletale believes that this will be good for us, than I trust her. 

**Grue** : I live here is the coven with my sister, Aisha, who is going to be turned on her sixteenth birthday, and NOT A MOMENT SOONER! 

**Aisha** : I’m totally gonna be the youngest Vampire ever! My brother’s just a jackass. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, GRUE?! 

**Grue** : Anyways, I was turned about ten or so years back, by Coil. He was a vicious two-faced dick back then, and he still is to this very day. Horrible guy, I can tell you that. He got his Familiar, who is underage by the way, hooked on his venom. So now that poor Dinah girl is addicted to him feeding from her, it's all very tragic. 

**Grue** : People will often say about me that I wanted to be turned into a Vampire. This is true. I used the curse of Vampirism to get legal custody over my sister. After all, if you're a Vampire, then you're a legal adult. That's how it works, I think. 

**Grue** : My sister was still living with our shitty parents when I was turned, so I just grabbed her and got out of there like a bat out of hell! Get it? Bat? 'Cause I'm a Vampire? But possession is nine tenths of the law, so I'm pretty sure I'm her legal guardian. 

** Regent's Interview **

**Regent** : I've been a Vampire for several decades now. I was originally Canadian, but I moved to Brockton Bay to get away from my shitty old boss. To be honest, though, this guy's even sleazier. Did you hear about his Familiar? Skeazy stuff, am I right? 

Regent is a pale, androgynous figure in Renaissance clothing. He lounges about on the chaise, lazily swinging a staff with one hand. He is constantly wearing a smirk on his face. 

**Regent** : So, I designed all our clothing. I made the outfits to suit everyone's individual tastes. Except for Bitch. She refuses to wear my awesome designs. Skitter technically helped with the materials to make all the clothes, she has all these silk-making spiders in the basement. But I did all the designs myself! Skitter doesn't usually wear her bug outfit around the house, though. 

**Skitter** : I don't like to wear my suit unless there's people around to intimidate. What's the point of clothing, if not to scare the living daylights out of people? 

**Regent** : Sometimes, I think Skitter is developing some Energy Vampire tendencies herself, what with her love of scaring the shit outta people. But if she starts encroaching on my territory, she is in for a long, very annoying time! 

****

** Bitch's Interview **

Bitch is a woman who breeds hellhounds for a living. She has a special bond with her loyal companions, Angelica, Brutus, and Judas. Bitch wears jeans and a t-shirt, and has short hair and piercing eyes. 

**Bitch** : I love my hellhounds. They're better than people. 

**Bitch** : Now get out of my territory! 

We were unable to get an interview with the coven's leader, Coil. Later tonight, however, we will be livetweeting the annual Supernatural Ball, where many non-human creatures gather to celebrate another year of living together in relative peace! Stay tuned for the exciting next episode of _What We Do in the Swarm_! 


End file.
